bert e. beetle
dominos midland can i put you on hold?
yep
-k
you there?
yep
hey id like to order a pizza for pickup
yep
marghareta, thin and crispy
yep
thin and crispy right?
yep
thats all
can i get your name
my name? its uh, hmm. its uh, bertie beetle. spelt b e r t, space, the letter e, then fullstop, space, and then, you know, beetle.
yep
you got it?
yep
great
ten minutes. th-
~
when i got to the dominos i hoped to see my humourous name up on the screen. i could not see it anywhere. i worried i had called the wrong store. i asked in a panicked voice if they had my order.
whats the name?
bert e. beetle, i said
the man went to the pizza warmer and looked at each of the dockets, working through the twelve or so pizza boxes from top left to bottom right. then he came back to me.
what did you say your name was again?
bert e. beetle, i said.
barty?
no, bert E beetle.
the man went back to the pizza warmer and read through the dockets a second time. then his manager came out of the office and asked him what he was doing.
looking for this guys order, he said.\
what did you order?
thin and crispy margherita, i said.
the manager began opening and shutting the lids of every pizza box and letting out the precious steam. then three pizzas along on the second row he found it.
pizza for... bert?
close enough.
when i got to the car and looked at the reciept, i became in severe despair. the man on the phone had not followed my simple instructions. all he had written was ‘bird’. i felt like going back to complain. look, i wanted to say. i tried to do a nice thing, i thought it would make everyone happy. all i wanted was to spread some reenchantment over this flourescent lit dominos world.
i ate the pizza on my lap in my car, brooding.