champagne criticism
me and dave are high school teachers. we love to drink champagne. we dont have kids or houses. we have nothing for which to pay for. instead we buy champagne.
every friday lunchtime we get in dave's prius and drive out the school gate. then we drive down the road, turn onto the reserve and park behind a wattle bush where no one can see us.
then out the back seat, dave retrieves a bright blue cooler bag filled with freeze-blocks, unlatches the velcro, unzips the zip, and pulls out a fresh new bottle of fresh champagne.
today we are drinking chandon brut, a yarra valley classic. cheers, we say, and clink our plastic glasses. then we take a big sip, close our eyes, and make a crisp exhalation of satisfaction. we know we are on camera.
a couple months ago dave got serious about the idea of a blog, going to jb hifi and buying a windscreen mount for his phone and a bluetooth mic for better sound.
the hook for our youtube channel is 'champagne life with a down-to-earth west aussie twist'. no snobbery or pretention, just two normal blokes who love champagne.
'so,' dave says, 'what d'you think of the chandon brut?'
'yeah,' i say, 'i like it. this champs is a mix of sour and salty and has a nice bubbly after-finish, and the best thing is, the bubbles arent too strong, even when you suck in your cheeks and press it to your gums, the champagne doesnt hurt your mouth. you know what i mean?'
'i know exactly what you mean. this is a very sippable champers, in fact, i cant stop haha ha.'
'careful dave! you still got year 9 chemistry after this'
'haha, don't remind me. no, but in all seriousness, this champers is perfect for a sunset at the beach or a walk round the lake, or even just for sitting on the couch at home, watching your favourite show with some cheese and crackers'
'yeah'
'what this bottle shows, ben, is that us aussies can make champs as specky as anything coming out of europe'
'yeah. perth is just as good as france, if not better.'
so far we have banked seven videos, but we haven't yet made them public. dave's friend at the liquor store said that posting the videos could have negative ramifications for our teaching careers, drinking on the job and such. but its not like we're drinking in front of students, or even during a lesson. we wait until the half-hour lunch break, during which i'm pretty sure we can do whatever we want. and its not like we're your typical drunks drinking piss and swill or rotgut and plonk. we're drinking expensive champagne, and only one or two glasses at that.
if anything, the liquor improves our teaching. a glass of champagne always puts me in a relaxed and friendly state of mind for friday period five.
and everyone knows that no teacher teaches anything during the last hour of the teaching week. we always put a movie on, which helps us pass the time while the kids watch videos on their phones.
the champagne also makes the dreamworks or marvel movie more enjoyable, and stops me from getting angry at students for talking or being disruptive. i dont even worry about the dialogue or story, i just zone in on the facial expressions and changing shapes and colours.
as long as no student, parent or staff member surprises us in our car behind the bush, we will continue to drink and critique champagne, and someday we will make all our vlogs public and dave will recoup the money he spent on equipment, but first we have to make sure we won't get in trouble with the school. i will have a call with the teacher's union tomorrow to ask about my rights.
/note: this work is purely fictional/