the curious incident of the duck in the night time
the other day i accidentally ran over a duck while listening to a meditation tape in my car.
of course i felt dreadful. the last thing i want to do is kill a duck. i want to kill nothing. i like birds and the duck is my favourite.
the situation was very unfair. i was driving home from uni at midnight on a quiet unlit road, listening to a mediation tape for self development and Boom.
duck walked right in front of my car.
i pulled over 100 metres down the road and followed the prints which were evenly spaced, stamped on the asphault by the rolling tire. noticing it was not a single unbroken trail like in games, i felt like a real forensic scientist: quite smart. another car pulled over and a young vetinerian looking woman ran out to the duck with a blanket, wrapping it in her arms.
"its cooked" she said, and drew the duck backwards when i tried to stroke its beak. "dead" she said. oh shit, i said. god damn damn damn. "i wasnt wearing my glasses and even i saw the duck crossin the fuckin road". the swear word told me she was mad at me.
i really didn't see it, i said, which was true. i didnt tell her about the meditation tape.
she placed the dead duck under a bush on the median strip and we both crouched down and looked at it in silence a while. i told her i was really sorry. she repeated the line about the glasses and the fucking road. then she left. i stayed and looked at the sleeping dead duck. due to a lifetime of zoloft, i cannot cry. my eyes dont make tears. but i can feel the feeling of being supposed to cry. i gave its head a stroke and said im sorry my friend. then i left.
you might think it was bad of me to "meditate" while driving a car, but it wasnt my choice. the meditation was at the end of an audiobook lecture, and also, it wasnt your typical close-your-eyes-and-count-your-breath type thing. it was really a mediation exercise titled "recognising your inherent value".
step 1 was to find a quiet place to sit for ten minutes. that place was my car. i told myself i would stay aware of the road.
step 2 was pay attention to your breath. thats fine.
step 3 was to check in with your body: your feet, your legs, your guts, your heart, and all the other things. i ignored this advice.
then step 4 was to:
Recognise that you have value and worth simply by existing, just as everything else in this world does. What you do and say, the job you do, whether you are a parent or not, how wealthy or smart you are — these are all secondary to your inherent, innate worth. A single daffodil adds value, even in a field of a million daffodils; it has value just by existing. It is beautiful in and of itself. Can you feel the same way about yourself?
hmm, i thought, i don't know. what if i am negative worth and negative value. what if i am a disappointing and injurious blight on the people around me. what if i am not a wholesome daffodil but a horrible weed?
then step 5:
Take a few moments to reflect on all the ways you express innate goodness quite naturally. These can be things as simple as holding a door open for someone; letting another car in front of you in traffic; feeding the birds in winter; calling a friend or family member who you know is having a hard time; complimenting others; or all the ways you may be spontaneously kind to strangers and generous to the people you know. Sense how all these kinds of actions are expressions of the goodness and inherent value of your nature.
well, i thought, it is very true that i have done all those kind things. i have done them all in the last 24 hours. opening doors, letting cars merge, supporting a friend. perhaps i am actually not weed. perhaps i am not the worst person i know. perhaps i am a daffodil.
then, the final step was to repeat the words:
I am enough.
and at that moment when repeated this statement and realised it was true, the duck stepped out from the darkness and into my headlights..
badoonk.
how to think about this?
you might say it was just a coincidence, but experience has taught me to be very superstitious.
one omen is broken glass. each time i have awoken to a cracked phone screen ot smashed car window, it means something bad has happened. one time it was my grandma's death, another time it was my 30th birthday, and the most recent time was my most painful lost love contacting me after a decade to remind me of my inherent negative value.
i also believe that by vocalising any gratefulness or happiness, your fortune will be rebuffed or rescinded, for god is listening and he had tall poppy syndrome.
another superstition is to do with ducks. for a long time i wanted to reincarnate as a duck because on first impressions, they live the best life. ducks spend all day hanging out with their friends at lakes, swimming and sleeping and making cool noises. their children are cute and they sometimes even fly. if i am on holiday, i love to spend time sitting with the ducks, reading or talking to them. but then i found out about the male duck's violent behaviour. i could never appreciate them with the same reverence again. i would need to work as hard as i could to reincarnate as something better.
when i was telling this story to my colleagues at uni, my teacher expressed disgust. buddhists are inherently sexist, she said, because men are ranked higher than women in the reincarnation tier. i was too annoyed to argue. a) you think patriarchy doesnt exist in every aspect of secular life and all other religions? and b) every buddhist knows that the best thing to come back as is nothing at all.
well, i am still trying to figure out what my running over of this duck means for me and my future.
i am truly sorry little duck. i didnt mean to kill you, but i hope you that your life was one of enlightenment, that you have reached the final tier of non-being, that you are all done and dusted.