in defense of the mushroom murderer
mushroom murderer found guilty. so disappointing. let it be known, i tried to do my bit. i really tried, and now that its over, i guess i can say: i was on the jury. thats why ive been so quiet. called up again. my third fuckin time. i wish theyd screen their jurors: you should of seen my jurymates. normies the whole lot, and half of them dunderheads. drips who believed every dumb boring thing. and so what if its true? so what? wheres your sense of pathos? oh shes so guilty, guilty af they kept texting the groupchat as we heard all the testimonies- but hold on, i said. you guys forget. not everyone spends all their free time making dinner while watching masterchef. some of us care about other things and for some of us, cooking is very hard. truly impossible, i hate it! but i know as long as i keep trying, and keep trying to learn from my mistakes, ill soon get good, hell, maybe ill be on masterchef. so really? you wanna send someone to jail for learning? a life behind bars for picking the wrong coloured mushroom? really? so if your mum undercooked the chicken would you call the police? if you ate mouldy bread would you sue the baker? if you drank sour milk would you shoot the cow? no! and we're talking about cooking for your family here; not a science or business, but a hobby! should activities we do in our spare time, not for money but for love, be regulated by the law? just imagine: 'knock knock, mr ben, open up, its the police, you are under arrest for the crime of not being good at painting warhammers. we have reasonable suspicion that last night you botched the eyes on two of your grunt orc pikemen. put your hands in the cuffs and step outside, the electric chair is still warm'. you think i'd abide? as if! i'd shut the door and run up stairs and put on my bullet proof vest. then id run out the back and parkour the fence and run to my hideout in the bushes of malgomongup. why should amateurism be a crime? whatever happend to growth mindset? its also called privilege. not everyone did high school. i did, but not all of us did cooking class. i did, but not all of us had a kind home-ec teacher. mrs smoker! so mean! i kept explaining my reasons to the jurors, but they wouldnt listen. day after day i kept prolonging the trial. i could tell they all hated me. they kept whining and complaining and talking to me like i was stupid, laying out the evidence again and again, but it was all just water sliding down a duck's back. who cares if they are correct. for me, its not about evidence. its about justice. and the only reason the vote went through and the mushroom murderer is now guilty is because i wasnt there. i'd caught a bad case of the gastro from some half finished sushi someone had left on the meeting table. do i suspect foul play? yes. do i know who did it? yes. am i taking them to court? no. i am not a hypocrite. i will take matters into my own hands.