trouble at the baby shower
today i got in trouble for being racist, but i wasnt being racist. i also wasnt sounding racist. all i said was "ooo, me likey" in a completely normal voice, no accent or gestures, i said it in my normal pitch and intonation for a completely normal reason, the situation being a baby shower event at the park where my girlfriend's friend arrived with a big tupperware container full of pink and white cupcakes, the cupcakes being pink because the baby was going to be a girl - and before you accuse me of anything else, i wasnt saying "ooo, me likey" because the cupcakes were pink which is a famous girl colour, no, i dont believe in gender and colour, the cupcakes could be blue or green and i wouldnt protest, i was only saying "ooo, me likely" because pink icing is better for your health than blue icing which has harmful toxins and preservatives, and most of all i was saying it because i was so glad to eat a pink cupcake on such a beautiful happy day, a day that would later get ruined, and i wasnt being racist, all i said was "ooo, me likey" and its unfair, if anyone else said this nobody would care, but because i am not someone known for being whimsical, playful or lighthearted, they assumed i was doing a hateful impression of an ethnic group, which group i have no idea, and its not my fault they dont know me well enough to know i am often sometimes whimsical, "ooo, me likey" is a phrase i often utter in the comforts of my home, in fact, it has become something of a catch phrase for me, my home being the place i often see things that i like, good things in the fridge or in the ads on telly, some jelly or a magnum icecream or such, and "ooo, me likey" i'll say, and i'll say it because i like what i'm seeing, not because i'm racist which i'm not, so its not my fault that no one ever shows me things that i like, this woman with the cupcakes should have taken the compliment instead of pausing and making eye contact with the others, and although there was some laughter, i knew my response to the cupcakes hadn't been recieved so well, in fact, i didnt want it to be recieved at all, i just wanted to express my pleasure at seeing the pink icing, and in fact nobody at the baby shower complained about my comment, it was only in the car on the way home that my girlfriend said "ben, you really shouldnt do racist impressions" and when i asked her what she meant, she mentioned the 'ooo, me likey' and how mortified she felt so i said "well, first of all" and i told her that saying ooo, me likey is not a racist thing, its a human thing, not specific to any one group, in fact, it is racist to have a group in mind, but she said "no, the problem is that you were pretending to speak broken english, that is what was racist", "oh" so i said, "so you think everyone should a speak perfect queens english like you and your parents up in daglish, that all the people in the world speaking in dialect and vernacular should be forced to assimilate", "no," she said, "you know that's not true, the problem is that you were making fun of people with poor english, making them sound stupid", "well first of all" i said, "i dont believe in 'bad english' and second of all, i dont think they sound stupid, i think they sound funny" "but thats just as bad!" she cried, "oh really?" i said "well the fact is that only the dumbest people in the world equate humour with stupidity". when she did not respond, i knew i had said something hurtful, but decided to redirect the attention to another argument "and how come, if i am so racist, you have never objected when i've said 'ooo, me likey' at home?" "because, i didn't want to encourage you, and i didnt want this argument. and its all very well when its just me hearing your pissweak jokes but not when you embarrass me in front of my friends". "i see" i said. we had just gotten into the driveway. "'all very well'? so you think it is okay to be racist in private just as long as no one thinks you are racist in public? that is so typical of people like you" and without responding, she had switched off the ignition and clambered out the car, slamming the door behind her, not even bothering to help me unload the car.
when i had gotten everything inside, i couldnt find her anywhere. the bathroom door was locked. i knocked on it a couple times and even said i was sorry, but after half an hour, i realised it was all no use. i filled a small suitcase with some clothes, and books and my phone charger, and also some baking soda for my teeth. now i am writing this on a bench in the park. our daughter will be due next month, but i really don't know. i am starting to wonder whether it is ethical to stay with someone who thinks racism is okay.