whaling
i went whaling today. someone gave me a ticket for the rottnest ferry to drive around and see the whales and if i were to choose from the words good vibes or convivial atmosphere, i’d use the former because thats what the ferry was having. ‘i am a disco dancaaaaaa’ sang a very old man and his grandchildren, drumming a beat on the tables and singing the rest in a foreign language. i was showing another group of children how to jump extra high by jumping when the ferry goes down a wave, and one kid’s head made a permanent dent in the ceiling. then someone yelled 2 oclock and we saw a splash and they let us on the front of the ship and we saw a humpback whale, twirling about, slapping its flippers, shaking its money maker. the whale was having a laugh, jumping out of the sea again and again to expose its rear end in the hilarious pool trick known to all family jesters as 'white whale'. i was bringing extra levity to the tour by saying funny things like 'wheres my harpoon' and ‘yum yum’. everyone was grinning and having a good time and getting precious memories on their phones.
we saw the whale so much that we started to suffer from what my grandma describes as the billabong effect, referring to the time she drove around australia to stop at every billabong, but after dozen she told my grandpa 'if i see another billabong i'll scream'.
i was tired of the whale. i begun to hate the whale and its playful nature. we were chasing it around in circles and i wanted to see something else doing something else. where are the other sea creatures this ocean is supposedly so famous for? all the children had gone back inside to play on their ipads or lie down and rub their bellies and groan. i felt very ill despite eating a handful of travacalms so i went to the bar to buy some water, but then i saw you could buy a beer for a couple dollars more so i bought and drank the beer and then i felt even sicker.
the ferry staff were on hands and knees, dabbing at the carpet with paper towels. wherever i walked i had to step around puddles of orange and brown. and although my spirit is poor, i am a logical and considerate person so i marched to the bow of the ship and blasted everything in my stomach into the sea. i had done this in a vertical line, but when i got off the boat i could see there were bright yellow stains down the front of the hull like residue from a cheap curry. i couldn’t imagine how they'd clean it. i remembered the time a hoon ditched an egg at my aunt's caravan and by the time she had pulled over to clean it off, the wind and sun had fried it to the metal permanently. so before my stomach acid could become part of the paintwork, i laid down at the edge of the jetty and used my long arms to splash some sea water onto the front of the boat. i got a little bit of it clean but the harbour security thought i was making trouble and tried to escort me away. security guards are basically golems. unless someone can tell me what it is they think about all day, i’m inclined to believe that in the place of a brain is a crumpled bit of paper that says antisocial behaviour will be tolerated. define antisocial. it’s not like i’m using foul language or selling homebrew or punching someone in the back of the head. i’m just splashing water onto the rottnest ferry. you’ve got me in headlock and i’m the one who’s antisocial?
when i caught up to my friends at hillary’s boat harbour they were all getting ice cream. it wasn’t what i needed but i needed to calm down and figured it would help me regain the lost electrolytes. i remembered my mother’s advice, ‘ice cream is the number one treat that you’ll always regret if you don't eat’ so i asked the ben and jerrys staff for their most nautical ice cream flavour to celebrate the whaling. they thought about it for a while and said 'i don’t know, but my personal fave is peanut butter surprise' which was true, the peanut butter was a surprise because it was solid as a rock and hurt my teeth.
the whaling voyage taught me not to OD on life’s pleasures. seeing a whale or drinking a beer or eating an ice cream are healthy in small doses, but if we become too opulent we will suffer ill consequences. as the proverb goes, health is wealth.